I watched the wild robot on the second leg of my journey from turkey to italy (hehehe…….turkey leg 🍗🍗🍗🍗🍗) and i lost it. The first half was pretty meh, and I was honestly contemplating stopping it early because I just wasn’t vibing with the robot (you're still my queen tho Lupita Nyong’o) nor the knockoff zootopia Nick looking ass fox or even the little gosling who was supposed to be cute but was… too cute. Annoyingly so. But as the gosling grew and so did the robot and the fox, the themes of motherhood, growth, and making your journey count hit. By the middle of the movie (I remember specifically because I paused it to blow my nose from the insane amounts of sobbing I was doing), all I could think of was my mother, our journey, and how I’ve always been too scared to be a parent because of this exact loss. Letting someone go and fly on their own is never easy, and I can barely do it with my little sister. How could I do that with someone that I’ve raised on my own and put my entire life into? I understand how my mom felt, just tangentially, when she became an empty nester. Letting your kids fly on their own without flying behind them, picking them up when they fall, watching them and making sure they’re doing the right thing, is so much fucking trust and fear and pain and I don’t blame her for how she reacted. I just hope now that she’s found another purpose than raising us into the adults we’ve become, and I’m not gonna lie, I think we’re some of the best. If you're reading this Mama and Baba, thank you. You made us who we are today.
There’s also something to be said about growing past your programming. From the literal programming in Roz to the recessive genetics in Brightbill, it’s easy to think of ourselves as limited to all that we are - nature and nurture. But isn’t that being human? To go beyond what we're given and accomplish something greater than we are, whether that’s to change ourselves fundamentally or to create something that we ourselves might not live to see but will leave an impact. Everything we do counts, even if it might not be appreciated by others. Even if we might not fit in. It’s a good reminder that being different? Kinda great. Sucks to feel but you gotta love the reluctant hero archetype and remind yourself that you are one.
Sorry just passed by a hill that looked like Teletubbies in the rain and it was gorgeous and green and so healing. I’ve been on the train to Orvieto for over 4 hours now and was on a train for four more hours before this…because I took the wrong ass train and ended up going to Frankfurt. Ngl I don’t know what I was thinking when I boarded it, all that I knew was it was the right timing and the right train type and destinations both started with F (original changeover was Firenze) so I just took my little macchiato and bagel con salmone (and goat cheese blecgh) over and sat down. I didn’t even question it when I couldn’t find my seat, or when all the instructions on the train were in German. Nor when my little icon on the map starting blinking north instead of southeast. I figured my location was being finicky with the eSIM, especially after the mess of the Ubers last night (4 cancelled, final one couldn’t find my location/start the trip so I had to pay in cash). I don’t know when I realized it, but by the time I did the next stop was Lake Como…50 minutes away. Still. I got to see Lake Como! Very peripherally from behind many construction fences and bags but ah. Better save it for the summer anyway.
Regardless, I am now on the correct train to Orvieto, where Gretel from WWOOF will meet me and take me to her farm! I have no clue what I’m going to be doing there, all I know is that she collects chestnuts and likes to paint at night and that she’s an absolute sweetheart of a grandma. Hmm. I was reading through my posts last night and read the one about collecting older brothers like tamagotchi, I think I do the same with grandparents because I never grew up with mine. Let’s tuck that away for later.
It’s been honestly very stressful but I think I haven’t shown it. Which is good but then I get super tired from holding it all in while I’m in public. I know as soon as I’m safe I’m gonna break down a little and cry and feel better, but I sometimes wish I had the strength to do that with people. I wish I had a partner who could take care of me when I’m being strong and can’t do it anymore. Just a little break, please.
I miss my friends. I miss being able to lean on others and not having to take responsibility all the time. My roommate summed it up really well on our cabin trip when she noted that this was the first trip where none of us had to “mom” the group - we were each very independent and good at taking care of ourselves and others, so no one had to take control. I miss that.
But that’s what this trip is for, eh? Figuring out my limits, what I can do and what I’d rather not. My own eat, pray, love, as my besties would say. I definitely am eating a lot. And praying for myself. As for love? I’m learning to love myself despite my mistakes and aloneness. Honestly I’m really great at entertaining myself when I’m alone and keeping myself happy (if you see my vlogs, you’ll know), even if it might come across as slightly crazy when I yap to myself as I walk down a country road. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. I’m more than fine!
First full day in Italy. Let’s make it happen. Hugs.
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