i am anu. or anoo. or anusuya. i am a nepali girl living in a rocky world.
i love stories. i love the mundane, every day life. i love hearing about how people live, as long as it's not mine. i want to learn more from others and live through their experiences, since i am too scared to step out on my own.
i care about class inequities. economic, social. what it means to grow up a certain way, and how that affects your outlook on life forever. how people treat you and how you treat yourself based on designations assigned by society.
i want to give others a voice. to those who aren't seen, to those who don't have a voice of their own. to those who aren't heard. yet i dont give a listening ear to the voices clamoring in my own home. or my own head.
i like short sentences to prove a point. or set a tone. i like long sentences to do the opposite; cram all my thoughts into a single sentence so i don't lose my flow and i can argue that my line of thinking is coherent because hey it's all here in one sentence so why doesn't it make sense - it's not like i'm jumping from point to point. but here i am. trying to do both in different ways.
i worry about how i look. physically and how i come across. what others think of me, even if i act like i don't care. even this style right now with no uppercase - doing it to be edgy and relatable. also because i don't reallly have the energy to type a shift with every capital right now.
i want to be a badass no feelings kinda girl. but i'm not. i'm also not the most emotional and forgiving and kind person. so i'm somewhere in between in a 5d chess set.
i like to read and sing and listen to music, especially korean. i don't understand it, but i feel it. and after reading the lyrics so many times, i hear it.
i love different cultures and different countries and different people. maybe i'm trying to escape my own. maybe i'm trying to take something from theirs. but for some reason, i'm drawn to it. especially the food. give me all the foods.
i love people. sometimes. mostly, when i'm not tired or withdrawn. i'm technically an introvert, but maybe i just like to sequester myself away because i'm afraid of being seen in a bad way. because i do love interacting with others. people have even called me a social butterfly. am i?
i fall in love easily. i also fall out of love just as quickly. i have a fear of commitment, but i'm a hopeless romantic. i love boys and girls and those in between and those outside. i love dogs and cats and bunnies and horses and want to be a goat herder in the himalayas.
i get scared easily but can't do the same to others. i laugh and smile and try not to hide it. i cry and feel down and don't know how to show it. i feel helpless and alone when i know i'm not. i want to die but i also want to live. i want to live a normal life but don't want to be normal. i am a multitude of the cosmos, a complex duality in every sense. almost. i try to be i guess. just so that i'm not average.
i'm tired. i hope no one sees this but i also hope the right people do. and that they know that to be right, they just can feel not alone with this. i hope you're not alone. i'm right there with you.
i seem to forget who i am, so this is a reminder to myself, in this moment. the me of now might be different in the future, but i think some core tendencies will remain the same. i just hope the me of the future is more at peace with this turbulent life. i hope you forgive yourself and love yourself just the same. live happily and be well. love, anu.
