It’s so easy to get lost in nostalgia. Especially, I think, if you’re a sentimental fool (affectionate) like me who once planned to get tattoos purely in honor of loved ones I had lost, effectively making my arm a graveyard of sorts (I still want to, more abstractly, and have already gotten one for my bun Hue). But it can get dangerous and distracting when all you do is daydream about the past and how things were. Something I’m realizing (unrelated) is that I tend to repeat myself a lot - I always need two adjectives, or better yet, a list, and I end up adding information that just doubles down on what I’m trying to say and not being concise. I just did it again - that last two pieces of the sentence on either side of the “and” conjunction were in essence, the same message. But ah well I’m not here to impress anyone with my writing (even if my sister says it does thank you you’re always my biggest fan) but rather try to write my thoughts out with as little editing as possible. That being said, if there’s a glaring grammar error or spelling mistake please please PLEASE let me know bc that would bother me to no end.
Can any of my interior design and/or design based friends make a better seating layout for planes? It’s fine and all but when the person in front of you leans back and you’re sitting right in front of the bathrooms and can’t lean back yourself the claustrophobia starts to settle in a bit.
Back to nostalgia. I love reading back on my diary entries and posts and seeing how little baby Anu thought and wrote and felt - even as recent as a few months ago because it’s fascinating to see the things that did and didn’t come to fruition, and how my desires might have changed since. Consider barely a year ago, when I was ready to move to California, then New York, and now? Back to the Midwest babyyyy. It’s interesting how fleeting our (or just mine?) fancies are and which ones persist, but waiting around to see what sticks would just make us useless. Even listening to the music I have saved in my Loves playlist - some I immediately skip, yet I must’ve loved it some point. What changed? What keeps the ones that I don’t pass over?
I get lost in the past and refuse to plan the future because of fear that it won’t work out the way I want it to. Planning things, whether it be trips, decorations, or even stickers, stresses me out. I have a fear of commitment. Funny that I would be searching for something so permanent like a house, a lifestyle, a calling when I can’t even choose where to put up my pictures - I’ve never even nailed something into the wall (Command Strips i am your target audience). I’m working on fixing that, with a mission to nail a gallery wall up in my next apartment, no matter how temporary it might be. I can’t wait around forever for something to feel settled in order to make things permanent - it might never be.
But at the same time, I’m prone to fits of whimsy and delusion. Jump on a plane last minute to the other side of the country? Sure! Whip up some bleach and hair dye on a Sunday night? Let’s do it. Pop into a bookstore because it was on the way to an appointment, even if I only had 5 minutes, and buy a book that I definitely wanted to find preowned somewhere else just bc I thought the cashier was cute and anyways I need a book today for my flight at night and I don’t have a fiction book and where am I gonna find a used book and also are they making eye contact or maybe I’m delulu again and I don’t want them to think I’m loitering and walking out without buying anything because for some reason I care about that kinda thing but only with certain people and I’m trying not to for the general populace? If you wanna know, it was Parable of the Sower. To be fair however, a lot of the things I do are dreams I’ve had for a while, and the impetus to act on them just happens at a seemingly random time. Perhaps that just is my way of planning, and my next step is to communicate that and put it out into the world so it doesn’t seem so impulsive. Man. Communication. Yikes.
Contrary to all my job application cover letters, I am NOT great at communication. Sure, I understand why it’s important and I’m learning how my friends and family prefer to be communicated with and trying to live up to that, but sometimes I just wish I could go silent and let people figure things out on their own and not be responsible for communicating my feelings. It’s tough when you don’t have the language for it exactly, and you’re burnt out from too many explanations.
I don’t know if I should fully post this, it feels so raw. But I guess that’s what this blog is for, eh? A diary of sorts, the feelings that come up from being alone and travelling and figuring things out for myself and trying to live in the moment without thinking of the past. If I’m brave, I’ll post this, and hopefully, hopefully, I can look back it at and see how much I’ve changed - or you all can feel comforted in knowing this. But future Anu don’t scroll too far and keep rereading these. Just take them as snapshots of your life in your mid-twenties, and go live where you are right now. Wherever it is, I know you didn’t make it there by mistake. It’s by the feelings you’re having now that spur some kinda action and I know I’m proud of whatever you’ve created now.
Weird to be talking to the future. Huh. I’m so used to diving into my past and reconnecting with my inner self that I forgot that there’s a whole other side to my life that I can look forward to that I don’t know yet. Every time I’ve written to the future it’s always been in the context of oh this is what you’re doing now! This is who you are and what you’ve accomplished and who you are again don’t you remember? Nah, now we moving on. Let’s go do this.
No comments:
Post a Comment