the wild robot 🤖

 I watched the wild robot on the second leg of my journey from turkey to italy (hehehe…….turkey leg 🍗🍗🍗🍗🍗) and i lost it. The first half was pretty meh, and I was honestly contemplating stopping it early because I just wasn’t vibing with the robot (you're still my queen tho Lupita Nyong’o) nor the knockoff zootopia Nick looking ass fox or even the little gosling who was supposed to be cute but was… too cute. Annoyingly so. But as the gosling grew and so did the robot and the fox, the themes of motherhood, growth, and making your journey count hit. By the middle of the movie (I remember specifically because I paused it to blow my nose from the insane amounts of sobbing I was doing), all I could think of was my mother, our journey, and how I’ve always been too scared to be a parent because of this exact loss. Letting someone go and fly on their own is never easy, and I can barely do it with my little sister. How could I do that with someone that I’ve raised on my own and put my entire life into? I understand how my mom felt, just tangentially, when she became an empty nester. Letting your kids fly on their own without flying behind them, picking them up when they fall, watching them and making sure they’re doing the right thing, is so much fucking trust and fear and pain and I don’t blame her for how she reacted. I just hope now that she’s found another purpose than raising us into the adults we’ve become, and I’m not gonna lie, I think we’re some of the best. If you're reading this Mama and Baba, thank you. You made us who we are today.

There’s also something to be said about growing past your programming. From the literal programming in Roz to the recessive genetics in Brightbill, it’s easy to think of ourselves as limited to all that we are - nature and nurture. But isn’t that being human? To go beyond what we're given and accomplish something greater than we are, whether that’s to change ourselves fundamentally or to create something that we ourselves might not live to see but will leave an impact. Everything we do counts, even if it might not be appreciated by others. Even if we might not fit in. It’s a good reminder that being different? Kinda great. Sucks to feel but you gotta love the reluctant hero archetype and remind yourself that you are one.

ALSO Roz uses she/they pronouns confirmed hehehe

Sorry just passed by a hill that looked like Teletubbies in the rain and it was gorgeous and green and so healing. I’ve been on the train to Orvieto for over 4 hours now and was on a train for four more hours before this…because I took the wrong ass train and ended up going to Frankfurt. Ngl I don’t know what I was thinking when I boarded it, all that I knew was it was the right timing and the right train type and destinations both started with F (original changeover was Firenze) so I just took my little macchiato and bagel con salmone (and goat cheese blecgh) over and sat down. I didn’t even question it when I couldn’t find my seat, or when all the instructions on the train were in German. Nor when my little icon on the map starting blinking north instead of southeast. I figured my location was being finicky with the eSIM, especially after the mess of the Ubers last night (4 cancelled, final one couldn’t find my location/start the trip so I had to pay in cash). I don’t know when I realized it, but by the time I did the next stop was Lake Como…50 minutes away. Still. I got to see Lake Como! Very peripherally from behind many construction fences and bags but ah. Better save it for the summer anyway.

Regardless, I am now on the correct train to Orvieto, where Gretel from WWOOF will meet me and take me to her farm! I have no clue what I’m going to be doing there, all I know is that she collects chestnuts and likes to paint at night and that she’s an absolute sweetheart of a grandma. Hmm. I was reading through my posts last night and read the one about collecting older brothers like tamagotchi, I think I do the same with grandparents because I never grew up with mine. Let’s tuck that away for later.

It’s been honestly very stressful but I think I haven’t shown it. Which is good but then I get super tired from holding it all in while I’m in public. I know as soon as I’m safe I’m gonna break down a little and cry and feel better, but I sometimes wish I had the strength to do that with people. I wish I had a partner who could take care of me when I’m being strong and can’t do it anymore. Just a little break, please.

I miss my friends. I miss being able to lean on others and not having to take responsibility all the time. My roommate summed it up really well on our cabin trip when she noted that this was the first trip where none of us had to “mom” the group - we were each very independent and good at taking care of ourselves and others, so no one had to take control. I miss that.

But that’s what this trip is for, eh? Figuring out my limits, what I can do and what I’d rather not. My own eat, pray, love, as my besties would say. I definitely am eating a lot. And praying for myself. As for love? I’m learning to love myself despite my mistakes and aloneness. Honestly I’m really great at entertaining myself when I’m alone and keeping myself happy (if you see my vlogs, you’ll know), even if it might come across as slightly crazy when I yap to myself as I walk down a country road. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. I’m more than fine!

First full day in Italy. Let’s make it happen. Hugs.

musings from the plane

 It’s so easy to get lost in nostalgia. Especially, I think, if you’re a sentimental fool (affectionate) like me who once planned to get tattoos purely in honor of loved ones I had lost, effectively making my arm a graveyard of sorts (I still want to, more abstractly, and have already gotten one for my bun Hue). But it can get dangerous and distracting when all you do is daydream about the past and how things were. Something I’m realizing (unrelated) is that I tend to repeat myself a lot - I always need two adjectives, or better yet, a list, and I end up adding information that just doubles down on what I’m trying to say and not being concise. I just did it again - that last two pieces of the sentence on either side of the “and” conjunction were in essence, the same message. But ah well I’m not here to impress anyone with my writing (even if my sister says it does thank you you’re always my biggest fan) but rather try to write my thoughts out with as little editing as possible. That being said, if there’s a glaring grammar error or spelling mistake please please PLEASE let me know bc that would bother me to no end.

Can any of my interior design and/or design based friends make a better seating layout for planes? It’s fine and all but when the person in front of you leans back and you’re sitting right in front of the bathrooms and can’t lean back yourself the claustrophobia starts to settle in a bit.

Back to nostalgia. I love reading back on my diary entries and posts and seeing how little baby Anu thought and wrote and felt - even as recent as a few months ago because it’s fascinating to see the things that did and didn’t come to fruition, and how my desires might have changed since. Consider barely a year ago, when I was ready to move to California, then New York, and now? Back to the Midwest babyyyy. It’s interesting how fleeting our (or just mine?) fancies are and which ones persist, but waiting around to see what sticks would just make us useless. Even listening to the music I have saved in my Loves playlist - some I immediately skip, yet I must’ve loved it some point. What changed? What keeps the ones that I don’t pass over?

I get lost in the past and refuse to plan the future because of fear that it won’t work out the way I want it to. Planning things, whether it be trips, decorations, or even stickers, stresses me out. I have a fear of commitment. Funny that I would be searching for something so permanent like a house, a lifestyle, a calling when I can’t even choose where to put up my pictures - I’ve never even nailed something into the wall (Command Strips i am your target audience). I’m working on fixing that, with a mission to nail a gallery wall up in my next apartment, no matter how temporary it might be. I can’t wait around forever for something to feel settled in order to make things permanent - it might never be.

But at the same time, I’m prone to fits of whimsy and delusion. Jump on a plane last minute to the other side of the country? Sure! Whip up some bleach and hair dye on a Sunday night? Let’s do it. Pop into a bookstore because it was on the way to an appointment, even if I only had 5 minutes, and buy a book that I definitely wanted to find preowned somewhere else just bc I thought the cashier was cute and anyways I need a book today for my flight at night and I don’t have a fiction book and where am I gonna find a used book and also are they making eye contact or maybe I’m delulu again and I don’t want them to think I’m loitering and walking out without buying anything because for some reason I care about that kinda thing but only with certain people and I’m trying not to for the general populace? If you wanna know, it was Parable of the Sower. To be fair however, a lot of the things I do are dreams I’ve had for a while, and the impetus to act on them just happens at a seemingly random time. Perhaps that just is my way of planning, and my next step is to communicate that and put it out into the world so it doesn’t seem so impulsive. Man. Communication. Yikes.

Contrary to all my job application cover letters, I am NOT great at communication. Sure, I understand why it’s important and I’m learning how my friends and family prefer to be communicated with and trying to live up to that, but sometimes I just wish I could go silent and let people figure things out on their own and not be responsible for communicating my feelings. It’s tough when you don’t have the language for it exactly, and you’re burnt out from too many explanations.

I don’t know if I should fully post this, it feels so raw. But I guess that’s what this blog is for, eh? A diary of sorts, the feelings that come up from being alone and travelling and figuring things out for myself and trying to live in the moment without thinking of the past. If I’m brave, I’ll post this, and hopefully, hopefully, I can look back it at and see how much I’ve changed - or you all can feel comforted in knowing this. But future Anu don’t scroll too far and keep rereading these. Just take them as snapshots of your life in your mid-twenties, and go live where you are right now. Wherever it is, I know you didn’t make it there by mistake. It’s by the feelings you’re having now that spur some kinda action and I know I’m proud of whatever you’ve created now.

Weird to be talking to the future. Huh. I’m so used to diving into my past and reconnecting with my inner self that I forgot that there’s a whole other side to my life that I can look forward to that I don’t know yet. Every time I’ve written to the future it’s always been in the context of oh this is what you’re doing now! This is who you are and what you’ve accomplished and who you are again don’t you remember? Nah, now we moving on. Let’s go do this.

rivers and roads

 So I'm back. After a week of driving and cavorting through the Midwest I made it back to Michigan yesterday and passed out in my childhood bed after a yummy homemade dinner and a quick update to my friends. I miss them all so much. I know moving isn't goodbye, and changes happen all the time, but it's been quite a mixture of somberness (is this a word? I know I have an English major friend out there 😉) and excitement amidst a lot of movement and random changes in plans. Spoiler alert: this week is just the first of many where I'll be living out of a suitcase hehe.

Bruh so much has happened. A dear friend had told me that they preferred to leave a party at its peak but damn is it hard not staying longer and doing a typical Midwestern goodbye. I've gotten used to people leaving me - sorry no, that sounds way more traumatic than it actually is, I just meant people in my life moving away - but I've never been the one leaving. It sucked back then being left behind but it kinda sucks even more being the one doing the leaving and knowing that you could stop and stay to end the pain but you go through it anyway, and make those you love suffer too. Maybe that's too dramatic of me but what can I say. I love being theatrical.

February was a blur. Celebrating Lunar New Year's with my shining star, to snowboarding with my shredding sista. Pizza parties with the pals to post-confessing to a college crush (on LinkedIn no less). Reuniting with my radiant roomie to a Candlenight concert feat. Studio Ghibli and a sweetie. Ok that's enough alliteration I can't do anymore anyways I got a concussion soon after but got to spend some wonderful time gallivanting around City Park talking about duck intercourse and elephant calls with some dear friends (see Figure 1 below).

Guess what I'm describing.

This is the cutest picture ever - thank you J

I also had the cutest concussion caretakers (shit, back at it again), reunions with fave college profs, lavish Lush self-care nights, and the sweetest Valentine's Day flowers from my sister 💗 she knows my faves.

The 15th was our Palentine's Party, which was such a wonderful snowy love-filled day. So many beautiful friends and food and meaningful cards and gorgeous bouquets like LOOK at these - ngl I'd be a florist anyday.

That night I went to my first singles mixer, with some kind words of support and little treats in the form of a drink on them from loved ones - and talked to some beautiful people! Nothing crazy but I'm poy for putting myself out there. Still got to end the night with the smiling face of a dear friend as I picked her up from the airport and caught up on the tea mwehehehe

You thought this was busy? nah the second half of Feb was when shit got realllllll I went to a protest with an absolute sweetheart, sung my heart out with the best at Pearl Divers, and started saying my goodbyes to my day ones. We went on a cabin weekend post a friend's car crash (she's ok thank god) and made momo and fires and hot tubbed. I started getting job interviews and bleached my hair (frosted tips BABE-Y) and went to see Mean Girls then Avs game then palak paneer cook-off (hats off to you M) then HTTYD in concert holy shit I swear I went to Denver more in this last week than I have in the past year. Especially that one quadrant of Speer which I used to go to SO OFTEN for reasons. Damn that sounds so shady but it's not I swear I just knew someone who lived there who I'm very proud of now and wishing the best for.

Honestly, this past year and especially month in Colorado have been so healing. Being on my own, experiencing Colorado knowing that I would leave, and still pouring my love into my community and seeing it grow even as I knew it would be harder to leave has been so fulfilling and meaningful. Thank you all for giving me this year, these few years, this lifetime of laughs together. Let's keep in touch, yeah? If you're still here with me, know that i'm not going anywhere and that I can't wait to see you again. I love you guys. (gals, and nonbinary pals. guys is gender neutral for me but I've always wanted to use this phrase hehehe)

BWAAAAAAH I'm crying again. That going away party? Always golden in my memories. Shit hurt, but it felt so good knowing that I had people that I hurt that much for. Thank you all, truly. God I miss it. I miss being in Colorado, surrounded by your wonderful presences. wow. sending you all hugs.

Thank goodness for my parents being there not only to support me emotionally but also driving that whole first leg to Omaha while I cried in the backseat like Chihiro (I getchu girl now where's my Haku dragon bb)

to my og colorado babes, this song is for you. i miss you all. sending love. mwah

🌊🛣

who am i?

i am anu. or anoo. or anusuya. i am a nepali girl living in a rocky world.

i love stories. i love the mundane, every day life. i love hearing about how people live, as long as it's not mine. i want to learn more from others and live through their experiences, since i am too scared to step out on my own.

i care about class inequities. economic, social. what it means to grow up a certain way, and how that affects your outlook on life forever. how people treat you and how you treat yourself based on designations assigned by society.

i want to give others a voice. to those who aren't seen, to those who don't have a voice of their own. to those who aren't heard. yet i dont give a listening ear to the voices clamoring in my own home. or my own head.

i like short sentences to prove a point. or set a tone. i like long sentences to do the opposite; cram all my thoughts into a single sentence so i don't lose my flow and i can argue that my line of thinking is coherent because hey it's all here in one sentence so why doesn't it make sense - it's not like i'm jumping from point to point. but here i am. trying to do both in different ways.

i worry about how i look. physically and how i come across. what others think of me, even if i act like i don't care. even this style right now with no uppercase - doing it to be edgy and relatable. also because i don't reallly have the energy to type a shift with every capital right now.

i want to be a badass no feelings kinda girl. but i'm not. i'm also not the most emotional and forgiving and kind person. so i'm somewhere in between in a 5d chess set.

i like to read and sing and listen to music, especially korean. i don't understand it, but i feel it. and after reading the lyrics so many times, i hear it.

i love different cultures and different countries and different people. maybe i'm trying to escape my own. maybe i'm trying to take something from theirs. but for some reason, i'm drawn to it. especially the food. give me all the foods.

i love people. sometimes. mostly, when i'm not tired or withdrawn. i'm technically an introvert, but maybe i just like to sequester myself away because i'm afraid of being seen in a bad way. because i do love interacting with others. people have even called me a social butterfly. am i?

i fall in love easily. i also fall out of love just as quickly. i have a fear of commitment, but i'm a hopeless romantic. i love boys and girls and those in between and those outside. i love dogs and cats and bunnies and horses and want to be a goat herder in the himalayas.

i get scared easily but can't do the same to others. i laugh and smile and try not to hide it. i cry and feel down and don't know how to show it. i feel helpless and alone when i know i'm not. i want to die but i also want to live. i want to live a normal life but don't want to be normal. i am a multitude of the cosmos, a complex duality in every sense. almost. i try to be i guess. just so that i'm not average.

i'm tired. i hope no one sees this but i also hope the right people do. and that they know that to be right, they just can feel not alone with this. i hope you're not alone. i'm right there with you.

i seem to forget who i am, so this is a reminder to myself, in this moment. the me of now might be different in the future, but i think some core tendencies will remain the same. i just hope the me of the future is more at peace with this turbulent life. i hope you forgive yourself and love yourself just the same. live happily and be well. love, anu.

this made me quite happy :) another post coming soon!! (as soon as finals end, I tell myself)

More than Memphis: Day 2 of EHCO

We went through a lot today.

I started off my day with the noise of a vibrating alarm. It was sometime around 7 am, and I had an hour left of sleep before my alarm, but I couldn't drift back to sleep so I just got up and went to take a shower. It was really nice to take my day slowly though and give myself the time I needed to get ready!

We left for the National Civil Rights Museum around 8:30, with each car making their own pit stops along the way. We got to the Lorraine Motel in cold, drizzly rain, which really set and fit the mood as I walked along the entrance sidewalk and saw the memorial and wreath commemorating the location of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr's assassination. It was different than I expected. First off, I didn't realize he was only on the second floor? I'd always imagined a really tall building with a balcony, similar to the one Prince William and Duchess Kate waved to everyone off of on their wedding day? But it was only two stories and a very normal-looking motel, similar to any that you would find in Canton along the highway.

We were introduced to the museum by a fantastic and very knowledgeable guide, and slowly made our way through the exhibits. It was a very educational pathway, filled with flakjdlkfjlk

Right after the motel, we skrrted over to Central BBQ and had some reallll good BBQ. Some real comfort food that definitely made me sleepy afterward. Also was hit on while I was there but I didn't realize? Me being the partially deaf dumbass I am--the cashier asked where I was from, and when I said Michigan, he said he was looking for a Michigan girl to date, long-distance relationship, he'd make it work. I didn't really hear him so laughed and nodded and said "yeahhhahaha" and then he was like, "I was talking about you girl but you didn't realize so it's all good" and I was like "ohhhh ahahaha yeah I was thinking of some girls I could set you up with you know ahaha I didn't realize you meant me ahaha" and walked away, surprisingly unawkardly! And non-uncomfortably. If that makes sense. Like usually I would be v uncomfortable in a situation like that, but it somehow wasn't. I'm really hoping that it was just because I really didn't feel harassed or sexualized, and not because I was seen as an attractive (or at least flirtable) female ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

After lunch and booking the escape room (Grizzliessss here we come!), we went to the second part of the National Civil Rights Museum: the boarding house where James Earl Ray allegedly shot MLK. I say allegedly because of the whole exhibit in the museum on the conspiracy theories behind others who could've done it, including his close friends and colleagues, the government, political groups, the like. There was a lot of evidence pointing to other people/not incriminating Ray that made the theories very plausible. However, simply walking by the bathroom window, seeing the clear view of the second floor balcony in front of Room 306 out of it, made me nauseous. The reality of it all--the sudden sense of history alive and kicking right in front of me, with the two buildings that I stood in actually being the physical locations of this horrific event, really hit. It was a similar feeling when I walked by the evidence exhibit, which held actually pieces of evidence released from the FBI's case, including the weapon, the cloth it was wrapped in, Ray's shorts and hairbrush that he left in his room, and the actual bullet that killed MLK. I was shaking and feeling slightly queasy.

I felt that way earlier in the museum too in the exhibit with the statues of slaves being held captive in the Middle Passage, complete with sounds of a rocking boat, shackles moving barely in the tight captivity they were kept in, the cries of a woman and the coughs of the ill. Again, getting hit with the reality of the cruelties that were endured by the slaves really impacted me physically. I don't think I would ever survive such a journey 

More than Memphis: Day 1 of EHCO

Hello and welcome back! This season, we will be exploring Memphis, Tennessee through the eyes of Anu Tuladhar, sophomore in biomedical engineering, leader of the trip EHCO (Engineering and Health Community Outreach), and in general, a very tired person.

But not this morning! When I woke up at 4:45 after three and a half hours of sleep, I was running around the house, throwing in last minute clothes and taking out unneeded layers. I skipped up the stairs and galloped across the floor. I was on an adrenaline rush.

We (obviously) left the house a bit late, around 5:40, to go pick up Darel so that I could drag him to Dollar Car Rental in Detroit just so he could sign a single piece of paper and be authorized as an additional driver. Poor guy. He was such a good sport about it though--I'm so glad he's my co-driver.

When we got to Dollar, I was sweating bullets about the reservation and the nasty reviews I had read about customer service there and of the total price, since I really didn't want to exceed my kids' costs (my travelers are my kids and I will refer to them henceforth as such). But we were able to get out of there with a full-size vehicle (not the economy class I had booked), with insurance and an additional driver for sub-$700! (Just barely, and may increase after I bring the car back and they actually charge my card, but still a good sign). Lots of thanks due to my momma and her amazing ways.

We chose a Nissan Altima (I chose it for the moonroof but shhh don't tell my parents that because this car had the highest mileage but I insisted it was fine) and drove back to Ann Arbor without issue. On the drive back, I was thanking every higher being up there for the good blessings and good luck.

Once in Ann Arbor, we made the rounds to pick up the kids, made it to Austin and Abhay's, and separated into our cars, with me, Darel, Jason, and Aliah in ours, and Austin, Abhay, Alexa, Rikako, and Rebecca in his. We both planned to meet up at the Tim Hortons on Saline, but each car had to turn back for different reasons--bedding and cameras. Our car was able to make it to Tim Hortons and still grab breakfast and some snacks, while still making it out to the road before the others (woot).

The drive down was good. The kiddos kept intermittently falling asleep while Aliah supplied us with directions and good tunes, but after a few hours I felt myself drifting off too. Remembering the pathography of the man who got in a car accident after all four college students (including the driver) fell asleep while road tripping, I quickly asked Darel to switch with me, and napped the other hour until we got to Indianapolis for lunch.

Indianapolis is BEAUTIFUL. It reminds me so much of Chicago with the high rises, one-way streets, huge stores, and fancy monuments. We found our way to the parking structure and up to the food court, where we met up with the other car, ate lunch, and sat and had a water-boiler about what we thought should be made legal.

From there, it was a straight shot down to Memphis, through Illinois, Missouri, and Arkansas, with a few rest stops here and there, a couple driver switches, and nap times. We didn't experience the fear of getting caught by the police after speeding 92 right past one (which then suddenly turned its lights and siren on), or of cutting in front of one like Austin and Abhay's car did. Nor did we have the traumatic bonding experience of putting the bumper back on the car after it rattled off. But we sang songs, answered some Buzzfeed questions, and got to know each other a bit better.

We got to Memphis around 8:30 CST and finally got to meet Jeff, the man!! After situating ourselves in our (M-HEAL only) bunkroom, we sat down with him and got introduced (he's so nice and his accent is very comforting), then head out to Huey's Burgers to satisfy our hunger and shoot some toothpicks through our straws (right before we got in the cars, we witnessed a catfight. A literal one. Two cats, just going at it, yowling like they were Warrior Cats). Picture included later when I remember to upload them from my phone. ((Not of the cats, sorry. Missed the chance to take a video :( but I have a video of Darel getting a toothpick in the ceiling! And a hella artsy one Rikako took of me trying and failing. But I tried! That's what counts ain't it??))

Since we got back, we chilled for a bit, wrote down some reflections and expectations, made Jason write a blog post, and played a round of Settlers of Catan (one of the best board games ever IMO). Somehow I won, even though I kept distracting myself with my phone half the game, but I'm not complaining ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It's now 1:24 AM and I should get to bed so I can get ready to the National Civil Rights Museum tomorrow. I know this post is a bit cut and dry--it's much less me than I normally feel it is, but man I'm tired. I'll try to do better tomorrow. But for now, good night!