rivers and roads

 So I'm back. After a week of driving and cavorting through the Midwest I made it back to Michigan yesterday and passed out in my childhood bed after a yummy homemade dinner and a quick update to my friends. I miss them all so much. I know moving isn't goodbye, and changes happen all the time, but it's been quite a mixture of somberness (is this a word? I know I have an English major friend out there 😉) and excitement amidst a lot of movement and random changes in plans. Spoiler alert: this week is just the first of many where I'll be living out of a suitcase hehe.

Bruh so much has happened. A dear friend had told me that they preferred to leave a party at its peak but damn is it hard not staying longer and doing a typical Midwestern goodbye. I've gotten used to people leaving me - sorry no, that sounds way more traumatic than it actually is, I just meant people in my life moving away - but I've never been the one leaving. It sucked back then being left behind but it kinda sucks even more being the one doing the leaving and knowing that you could stop and stay to end the pain but you go through it anyway, and make those you love suffer too. Maybe that's too dramatic of me but what can I say. I love being theatrical.

February was a blur. Celebrating Lunar New Year's with my shining star, to snowboarding with my shredding sista. Pizza parties with the pals to post-confessing to a college crush (on LinkedIn no less). Reuniting with my radiant roomie to a Candlenight concert feat. Studio Ghibli and a sweetie. Ok that's enough alliteration I can't do anymore anyways I got a concussion soon after but got to spend some wonderful time gallivanting around City Park talking about duck intercourse and elephant calls with some dear friends (see Figure 1 below).

Guess what I'm describing.

This is the cutest picture ever - thank you J

I also had the cutest concussion caretakers (shit, back at it again), reunions with fave college profs, lavish Lush self-care nights, and the sweetest Valentine's Day flowers from my sister 💗 she knows my faves.

The 15th was our Palentine's Party, which was such a wonderful snowy love-filled day. So many beautiful friends and food and meaningful cards and gorgeous bouquets like LOOK at these - ngl I'd be a florist anyday.

That night I went to my first singles mixer, with some kind words of support and little treats in the form of a drink on them from loved ones - and talked to some beautiful people! Nothing crazy but I'm poy for putting myself out there. Still got to end the night with the smiling face of a dear friend as I picked her up from the airport and caught up on the tea mwehehehe

You thought this was busy? nah the second half of Feb was when shit got realllllll I went to a protest with an absolute sweetheart, sung my heart out with the best at Pearl Divers, and started saying my goodbyes to my day ones. We went on a cabin weekend post a friend's car crash (she's ok thank god) and made momo and fires and hot tubbed. I started getting job interviews and bleached my hair (frosted tips BABE-Y) and went to see Mean Girls then Avs game then palak paneer cook-off (hats off to you M) then HTTYD in concert holy shit I swear I went to Denver more in this last week than I have in the past year. Especially that one quadrant of Speer which I used to go to SO OFTEN for reasons. Damn that sounds so shady but it's not I swear I just knew someone who lived there who I'm very proud of now and wishing the best for.

Honestly, this past year and especially month in Colorado have been so healing. Being on my own, experiencing Colorado knowing that I would leave, and still pouring my love into my community and seeing it grow even as I knew it would be harder to leave has been so fulfilling and meaningful. Thank you all for giving me this year, these few years, this lifetime of laughs together. Let's keep in touch, yeah? If you're still here with me, know that i'm not going anywhere and that I can't wait to see you again. I love you guys. (gals, and nonbinary pals. guys is gender neutral for me but I've always wanted to use this phrase hehehe)

BWAAAAAAH I'm crying again. That going away party? Always golden in my memories. Shit hurt, but it felt so good knowing that I had people that I hurt that much for. Thank you all, truly. God I miss it. I miss being in Colorado, surrounded by your wonderful presences. wow. sending you all hugs.

Thank goodness for my parents being there not only to support me emotionally but also driving that whole first leg to Omaha while I cried in the backseat like Chihiro (I getchu girl now where's my Haku dragon bb)

to my og colorado babes, this song is for you. i miss you all. sending love. mwah

🌊🛣

who am i?

i am anu. or anoo. or anusuya. i am a nepali girl living in a rocky world.

i love stories. i love the mundane, every day life. i love hearing about how people live, as long as it's not mine. i want to learn more from others and live through their experiences, since i am too scared to step out on my own.

i care about class inequities. economic, social. what it means to grow up a certain way, and how that affects your outlook on life forever. how people treat you and how you treat yourself based on designations assigned by society.

i want to give others a voice. to those who aren't seen, to those who don't have a voice of their own. to those who aren't heard. yet i dont give a listening ear to the voices clamoring in my own home. or my own head.

i like short sentences to prove a point. or set a tone. i like long sentences to do the opposite; cram all my thoughts into a single sentence so i don't lose my flow and i can argue that my line of thinking is coherent because hey it's all here in one sentence so why doesn't it make sense - it's not like i'm jumping from point to point. but here i am. trying to do both in different ways.

i worry about how i look. physically and how i come across. what others think of me, even if i act like i don't care. even this style right now with no uppercase - doing it to be edgy and relatable. also because i don't reallly have the energy to type a shift with every capital right now.

i want to be a badass no feelings kinda girl. but i'm not. i'm also not the most emotional and forgiving and kind person. so i'm somewhere in between in a 5d chess set.

i like to read and sing and listen to music, especially korean. i don't understand it, but i feel it. and after reading the lyrics so many times, i hear it.

i love different cultures and different countries and different people. maybe i'm trying to escape my own. maybe i'm trying to take something from theirs. but for some reason, i'm drawn to it. especially the food. give me all the foods.

i love people. sometimes. mostly, when i'm not tired or withdrawn. i'm technically an introvert, but maybe i just like to sequester myself away because i'm afraid of being seen in a bad way. because i do love interacting with others. people have even called me a social butterfly. am i?

i fall in love easily. i also fall out of love just as quickly. i have a fear of commitment, but i'm a hopeless romantic. i love boys and girls and those in between and those outside. i love dogs and cats and bunnies and horses and want to be a goat herder in the himalayas.

i get scared easily but can't do the same to others. i laugh and smile and try not to hide it. i cry and feel down and don't know how to show it. i feel helpless and alone when i know i'm not. i want to die but i also want to live. i want to live a normal life but don't want to be normal. i am a multitude of the cosmos, a complex duality in every sense. almost. i try to be i guess. just so that i'm not average.

i'm tired. i hope no one sees this but i also hope the right people do. and that they know that to be right, they just can feel not alone with this. i hope you're not alone. i'm right there with you.

i seem to forget who i am, so this is a reminder to myself, in this moment. the me of now might be different in the future, but i think some core tendencies will remain the same. i just hope the me of the future is more at peace with this turbulent life. i hope you forgive yourself and love yourself just the same. live happily and be well. love, anu.

this made me quite happy :) another post coming soon!! (as soon as finals end, I tell myself)

More than Memphis: Day 2 of EHCO

We went through a lot today.

I started off my day with the noise of a vibrating alarm. It was sometime around 7 am, and I had an hour left of sleep before my alarm, but I couldn't drift back to sleep so I just got up and went to take a shower. It was really nice to take my day slowly though and give myself the time I needed to get ready!

We left for the National Civil Rights Museum around 8:30, with each car making their own pit stops along the way. We got to the Lorraine Motel in cold, drizzly rain, which really set and fit the mood as I walked along the entrance sidewalk and saw the memorial and wreath commemorating the location of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr's assassination. It was different than I expected. First off, I didn't realize he was only on the second floor? I'd always imagined a really tall building with a balcony, similar to the one Prince William and Duchess Kate waved to everyone off of on their wedding day? But it was only two stories and a very normal-looking motel, similar to any that you would find in Canton along the highway.

We were introduced to the museum by a fantastic and very knowledgeable guide, and slowly made our way through the exhibits. It was a very educational pathway, filled with flakjdlkfjlk

Right after the motel, we skrrted over to Central BBQ and had some reallll good BBQ. Some real comfort food that definitely made me sleepy afterward. Also was hit on while I was there but I didn't realize? Me being the partially deaf dumbass I am--the cashier asked where I was from, and when I said Michigan, he said he was looking for a Michigan girl to date, long-distance relationship, he'd make it work. I didn't really hear him so laughed and nodded and said "yeahhhahaha" and then he was like, "I was talking about you girl but you didn't realize so it's all good" and I was like "ohhhh ahahaha yeah I was thinking of some girls I could set you up with you know ahaha I didn't realize you meant me ahaha" and walked away, surprisingly unawkardly! And non-uncomfortably. If that makes sense. Like usually I would be v uncomfortable in a situation like that, but it somehow wasn't. I'm really hoping that it was just because I really didn't feel harassed or sexualized, and not because I was seen as an attractive (or at least flirtable) female ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

After lunch and booking the escape room (Grizzliessss here we come!), we went to the second part of the National Civil Rights Museum: the boarding house where James Earl Ray allegedly shot MLK. I say allegedly because of the whole exhibit in the museum on the conspiracy theories behind others who could've done it, including his close friends and colleagues, the government, political groups, the like. There was a lot of evidence pointing to other people/not incriminating Ray that made the theories very plausible. However, simply walking by the bathroom window, seeing the clear view of the second floor balcony in front of Room 306 out of it, made me nauseous. The reality of it all--the sudden sense of history alive and kicking right in front of me, with the two buildings that I stood in actually being the physical locations of this horrific event, really hit. It was a similar feeling when I walked by the evidence exhibit, which held actually pieces of evidence released from the FBI's case, including the weapon, the cloth it was wrapped in, Ray's shorts and hairbrush that he left in his room, and the actual bullet that killed MLK. I was shaking and feeling slightly queasy.

I felt that way earlier in the museum too in the exhibit with the statues of slaves being held captive in the Middle Passage, complete with sounds of a rocking boat, shackles moving barely in the tight captivity they were kept in, the cries of a woman and the coughs of the ill. Again, getting hit with the reality of the cruelties that were endured by the slaves really impacted me physically. I don't think I would ever survive such a journey 

More than Memphis: Day 1 of EHCO

Hello and welcome back! This season, we will be exploring Memphis, Tennessee through the eyes of Anu Tuladhar, sophomore in biomedical engineering, leader of the trip EHCO (Engineering and Health Community Outreach), and in general, a very tired person.

But not this morning! When I woke up at 4:45 after three and a half hours of sleep, I was running around the house, throwing in last minute clothes and taking out unneeded layers. I skipped up the stairs and galloped across the floor. I was on an adrenaline rush.

We (obviously) left the house a bit late, around 5:40, to go pick up Darel so that I could drag him to Dollar Car Rental in Detroit just so he could sign a single piece of paper and be authorized as an additional driver. Poor guy. He was such a good sport about it though--I'm so glad he's my co-driver.

When we got to Dollar, I was sweating bullets about the reservation and the nasty reviews I had read about customer service there and of the total price, since I really didn't want to exceed my kids' costs (my travelers are my kids and I will refer to them henceforth as such). But we were able to get out of there with a full-size vehicle (not the economy class I had booked), with insurance and an additional driver for sub-$700! (Just barely, and may increase after I bring the car back and they actually charge my card, but still a good sign). Lots of thanks due to my momma and her amazing ways.

We chose a Nissan Altima (I chose it for the moonroof but shhh don't tell my parents that because this car had the highest mileage but I insisted it was fine) and drove back to Ann Arbor without issue. On the drive back, I was thanking every higher being up there for the good blessings and good luck.

Once in Ann Arbor, we made the rounds to pick up the kids, made it to Austin and Abhay's, and separated into our cars, with me, Darel, Jason, and Aliah in ours, and Austin, Abhay, Alexa, Rikako, and Rebecca in his. We both planned to meet up at the Tim Hortons on Saline, but each car had to turn back for different reasons--bedding and cameras. Our car was able to make it to Tim Hortons and still grab breakfast and some snacks, while still making it out to the road before the others (woot).

The drive down was good. The kiddos kept intermittently falling asleep while Aliah supplied us with directions and good tunes, but after a few hours I felt myself drifting off too. Remembering the pathography of the man who got in a car accident after all four college students (including the driver) fell asleep while road tripping, I quickly asked Darel to switch with me, and napped the other hour until we got to Indianapolis for lunch.

Indianapolis is BEAUTIFUL. It reminds me so much of Chicago with the high rises, one-way streets, huge stores, and fancy monuments. We found our way to the parking structure and up to the food court, where we met up with the other car, ate lunch, and sat and had a water-boiler about what we thought should be made legal.

From there, it was a straight shot down to Memphis, through Illinois, Missouri, and Arkansas, with a few rest stops here and there, a couple driver switches, and nap times. We didn't experience the fear of getting caught by the police after speeding 92 right past one (which then suddenly turned its lights and siren on), or of cutting in front of one like Austin and Abhay's car did. Nor did we have the traumatic bonding experience of putting the bumper back on the car after it rattled off. But we sang songs, answered some Buzzfeed questions, and got to know each other a bit better.

We got to Memphis around 8:30 CST and finally got to meet Jeff, the man!! After situating ourselves in our (M-HEAL only) bunkroom, we sat down with him and got introduced (he's so nice and his accent is very comforting), then head out to Huey's Burgers to satisfy our hunger and shoot some toothpicks through our straws (right before we got in the cars, we witnessed a catfight. A literal one. Two cats, just going at it, yowling like they were Warrior Cats). Picture included later when I remember to upload them from my phone. ((Not of the cats, sorry. Missed the chance to take a video :( but I have a video of Darel getting a toothpick in the ceiling! And a hella artsy one Rikako took of me trying and failing. But I tried! That's what counts ain't it??))

Since we got back, we chilled for a bit, wrote down some reflections and expectations, made Jason write a blog post, and played a round of Settlers of Catan (one of the best board games ever IMO). Somehow I won, even though I kept distracting myself with my phone half the game, but I'm not complaining ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It's now 1:24 AM and I should get to bed so I can get ready to the National Civil Rights Museum tomorrow. I know this post is a bit cut and dry--it's much less me than I normally feel it is, but man I'm tired. I'll try to do better tomorrow. But for now, good night!

Savor the Flavor

So. This post (a few weeks overdue) is about the best (or at least one of the best) dining experiences I've ever had (hence the title, which is unfortunately trademarked so shh no telling the authorities please I have no money for legal affairs). Let us delve into my experience of attentive gastronomic delight.

The setting: Umi Fine Dining, Lalitpur, Nepal, around dusk.
The scenery: Fancy, red tableclothed mahogany tables, with intricatly folded napkins. Tasteful artwork on the walls, with ornate crown molding and wallpaper. Elegant metal-work windows looking out onto charming outdoor seating, surrounded by flora and a fountain.
The smells: Wafting through the repurposed house, to our awaiting noses impatient to taste.
The sounds: Covers of some of my favorite English pop songs floating out the speakers placed in the corners of the room. A lively discussion of politics and news by a group (seeming to be close colleagues of different ethnicities) pleasantly filling the background.
The service: Impeccable.

I was feeling sad today. Whether it's the fact that my dad and my sister have gone back to America (it's not home unless I'm there), or that we have no running water, or that I keep listening to the same sappy romantic Bollywood songs on repeat, or that I keep getting stared by strangers (attention is uncomfortable), or that my stomach (and the rest of my digestive system, I'll spare you the details) aren't feeling too good, I'm not sure. But talking helps so much. Unlike the past me, I'm trying to reach out more, and boy is it an improvement. Whatever I was feeling earlier today, thanks to my mom and my friends (and you guys, through this blog), I feel light and happy.

That's why the title fits this bit too. With therapy and meditation, I've been learning to slow down, note what I'm feeling, and acknowledge it. In this case, instead of the flavor, I took time to savor my sadness, letting it hang over me until I recognized it, and once I did, understanding why and talking about it. In the past I would've ignored it and let it build up inside me until I got irritated with everyone and everything (sorry to my family). But as with food, let what you feel wash over you and don't let it get buried in the rush.

We Out Here

Oy I'm back!

Miss me?

After a day on the plane and over a day in layovers, we have arrived in Kathmandu. Contrary to previous years, we arrived in the morning this time. It's been rough trying to stay awake to set my sleep schedule. So rough that I already fell asleep for four hours and now don't think I can sleep anymore. So instead, I'm watching the World Cup with my parents and my uncle and aunty! Uruguay v. France, and France is up 2 goals with 15 minutes left to go. Things aren't looking too good for Uruguay :(

The journey over here were interesting. Not the flights themselves (I felt like I was gonna throw up, nothing new), but the layovers in Chicago and Doha and arrival in Kathmandu airport. In Chicago, there was a camera facial recognition type thingy to pass through before boarding the plane, and (surprise surprise) instead of a green check mark next to my face, I got an exclamation point! I currently look nothing like my passport photo (except for my face, but I guess that doesn't count for much). Luckily, the officer I was waved towards was very kind and asked me about college (I was wearing my free UMich PNC hoodie) while he double-checked my face with my passport. It only took him a few seconds of referencing and I was on my way, scot-free.

In Doha, I was stopped in the restroom twice. The first time, I think I scared the poor bathroom attendant--as soon as I replied to her "Excuse me?" (with that high-pitched hesitant voice that always comes out around strangers) she took a double take and apologized profusely and walked to the other side of the bathroom. The second time I was about to walk into the women's restroom and a guy behind me blurted out, "That's for girls!" My mom, who was walking with me, turned around, laughed, and said, "She's my daughter!"

At the airport in Nepal, when getting my visa, the immigration officer referred to me as "bhai" (meaning younger brother, since strangers refer to each other as if family here, calling others brother and sister and uncle and aunt), and was shocked when I spoke up with "bahini", and asked, "Really? Bahini?"

I guess it doesn't help when I dress like this too (I've given up on protecting my privacy. So, enjoy these pictures of my face)

I don't mind it at all though. Honestly, in the beginning I would feel secretly proud whenever someone thought I was guy, as if I was this special agent who successfully pulled off a master disguise. It also helped reaffirm my masculinity, something that I've been struggling to balance with my identity as a woman. So it's a slight thrill that runs through me, but one that definitely has its drawbacks. Mainly with safety of others. Every time I went into the bathroom in Doha and saw women without their scarves, adjusting their hair freely without worry of men seeing, I realized I was a threat. Here I was looking like a guy, walking into a sacred zone reserved for women only. In those moments, I talked in a high pitch and made sure to accentuate my chest to help the women in there feel comfortable. I don't know how successful I was, but to anyone I made feel uneasy, I am sorry. That will never be my intention.

It's something that I'll have to get used to. Much of the world, even America, associates women with long hair. It's more so here in Nepal. As the immigrations officer told me, "Girls should have long hair!" Last year, when I first got my hair cut here, I got many stares (and that's when it was a long pixie). There's definitely going to be more confusion on the streets this time around. I hope that I don't get harassed, and I pray that I, my hair, my presence, doesn't make anyone uncomfortable, or if it does, helps them realize their biases and know that it doesn't apply to everyone.

No, I'm not a guy. No, pixie cuts do not define sexuality. No, short hair is not limited to gender (and neither is long hair!) I admit, I struggled with this myself. But I'm overcoming my own prejudices, and I hope others can overcome theirs too. It'll take time for sure, but it's all a matter of exposure and conversation and understanding.

If you've got any questions about my hair (my mom cuts it for me errrry month ((sometimes twice)), thanks Mama love you), gender, Nepal, or the meaning of life, comment them below. I love hearing from you guys, and I really appreciate that you read my ramblings. Hopefully I can keep this up. I forgot how much I enjoy writing.

Until next time, peeps. Big hugs!