Par-tay!!!

I know I haven't updated in a long time. I've been putting this off more than homework...that's saying something. :(
My procrastination is terrible. I keep coming up with post ideas while on the road, doing things. in the taxi, but never end up writing them since I get so lethargic as soon as I get home.

Okay, the title is a bit misleading because I'm not exactly all that excited. Yes, we did have a party, and it was a lot of fun, but I am completely drained.

My uncle, aunt, and parents hosted a party at a restaurant with a third-floor banquet hall. As soon as I got there, for some reason, I began panicking. Absolutely no cause. But I stuck it through and the symptoms went away-I was fine.

Guests started arriving. It was all aunts and uncles and cousins and second cousins and parents' friends and their children and just a whole. Bunch. Of. Relatives. It was freaking amazing.
That's the thing I'll have to explain in my next post-the beautiful family circles and relations that are present here.

The thing is, I'm an introvert. Ish. Maybe more of an ambivert to be honest, since I do have my moments of talkativeness and excitability (very rare and usually with close friends though). Soo, parties usually aren't my thing. I'll talk for a bit then retreat into a corner with a book/my phone/the family pet if available (puppies always come first!) But today, surrounded by all these relatives and parents and family, I felt responsible to host the party. I walked around from table to table, trying my best to use my awkward self-deprecating humor to strike up some sort of conversation, brought chairs and drinks to those who needed it, and just overall smiled my way through the night.

I was proud of myself for being able to make a bunch of adults that I respected laugh, as well as be myself for a bit, but by the first hour, I was pooped. My sister and my cousins were all sitting together, with a seat saved for me, and I wanted so badly to join them, but felt I couldn't. I felt obligated to keep hosting, making sure everyone other than myself was happy.

As the older sister, and the eldest hosting cousin present, I always feel a responsibility to take care of everyone. Even when my sister pulled me away, I ignored her and took the weight of the party upon myself.

Why do I always do this to myself? Even at small parties at home, even at my own birthday party, I do this. It's almost expected of me, and I can't ruin that reputation.

It's not that I'm forced to do this, or that I don't like it, it just drains me completely. Even now, my family and cousin and aunt and uncle are playing cards-I'm typing this in the corner. Gotta recharge now.

But that's not to say I'm not happy. I've spent the past twenty paragraphs just complaining and whining about my poor night: wow, what a baby I am. That's not how I wanted to come across--yikes.

My dad's sister, my fufu, made it to the party tonight. This would usually be expected, but my fufu is special.

She's been suffering with mental illnesses for almost a decade now. She's had delusions, moments of split personality, hallucinations, and major, major depression. She hasn't picked up anyone's calls, allowed anyone to visit her at home, and doesn't leave her house.

My dad has tried for years to figure out what's wrong, but without being there directly, he hasn't been able to do anything. No one in the family has been able to, even her son, her husband, her brothers, her parents. My cousin, Alex dai, has been to every doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, and therapist there is here.

But this year, after 11 years, we were able to call fufu and visit her, all in one day.

She was sitting on the couch, holding her head in her hands, surrounded by medications of all kinds, scattered around in boxes and bags. We sat all around her, my dad held her hands, and we talked it through.

By the end of our visit, she was smiling and laughing and looked much better. She's not cured yet, but she has hope, finally.

So the fact that she made it to the party tonight made me cry. To be able to get past such crippling depression and come was so inspirational and yet so heartbreaking.

My cousins were there too, and there's so much to write about them. I love them so freaking much it hurts. I never ever realized what I was missing. Ahhhhh, the next post is gonna be all about my family.

Wow, writing all that makes me feel so much better. I'm sorry to you reader who were hoping for more of a travel blog, what with pictures and descriptions and amazing writing. This is actually pretty much a diary-a pretty public one at that. But I feel comfortable sharing all of this, more like it's all in my head. I can get out my personal issues without having to confront and confess.

There's so much left to write, but my eyelids are getting heavy.

You know what? I've been pushing myself to make this a more legit blog, something with fantastic word choice and intricate details with complex analysis. But screw it all this is gonna be my stream of consciousness: y'all are gonna intimately see how I think, pauses and awkward moments and terrible grammar and all.

Sorry for no pictures this post either wow. D: But I'm happy yes so all is okay.

Bye for now, before I start ranting more, yikes. :P Miss you all, and big hugs.